CHAPTER III

EXPERIENCES OF THE 16 CASES OF TABLE I DURING AUTOPSYCHOGNOSIA SESSIONS

Revival of Experiences of Intra-Uterine Life

Revival of the Experience of Expulsion-Birth

Womb Rejection-Rejecting Womb

Remarks on the Experiences of the 16 of table 1

§ 23 During their Sessions, all the cases of Table l, except for R11,7   expressed with acoustic$ and optic 9 symbols, subjective states which they characterized as:

(a) The revival of experiences from their intra-uterine life.

(b) The revival of the experience of their expulsion-birth and their first contact with the infinite chaos of the universe.

(c) The revival of experiences from various periods after their expulsion-birth (§ 51). (d) The revival of experiences of ancestors on the zoological scale (§ 11).

(e) The revival of conditions of matter beyond the bounds of the womb (p.108).

REVIVAL OF EXPERIENCES OF INTRA-UTERINE LIFE

§ 24 All the individuals of Table 1 (except for R11) maintain that during the Sessions they relived intra-uterine acceptance and/or rejection of their existence (their existential identity/self-preservation) and/or their sex by the womb-mother. They explained this ability to re-experience the conditions of their foetal life thus: consciousness of their existence (existential identity/self-preservation) began to function from the moment the union of the spermatozoon and ovum of their natural parents had taken place. For their foetal consciousness the womb acceptance or rejection constituted messages-stimuli which, as a rule, left'traces' in their memory ('memory traces' in their nervous system). The reactivation of these 'memory traces' by the psychedelic drug resulted in the revival fo the intra-uterine experience.

The cases also stressed that during their intra-uterine life, whether they were accepted or rejected by the womb-mother, the latter was the first external environment to communicate messages-stimuli to them as well as their first acquaintance with life. Inevitable then, they became fixated to the womb which constituted a permanent base or reference (§ 46 and description by R4 p.81, R6 p.106, R 10 p.40).

According to the quality of their intra-uterine experience - rejection or acceptance - the foetuses were classified into two categories: (a) Unwanted and (b) Welcome.

§ 25 The Unwanted The Unwanted foetuses feel that their tiny mass is surrounded and dominated by a colossal superpower which bombards them with messages-stimuli which threatened their existence and/or their sex with death. This threat creates in the foetuses primitive terror (§ 35 & 36).

The Unwanted characterized the bombarding messages-stimuli as rejecting womb messages-stimuli and described the following kinds:

(a) Rejecting messages-stimuli of the existence fo the foetus. (b) Rejecting messages-stimuli of the sex of the foetus.

(c) Periodically rejecting messages-stimuli.

(d) A fourth kind of rejecting womb messages-stimuli are those which are inherited from ancestors in the form of 'memory traces' which may be reactivated (§ 85).

The above kinds of rejecting stimuli determine the following sub-categories of the Unwanted: (a) the Existentially Unwanted, (b) the Unwanted because of their Sex, (c) the Periodically Unwanted, (d) the Hereditarily Unwanted.

§ 26 The Existentially Unwanted Existentially Unwanted are those whose presence their natural mother did not want in her womb. To this sub-category belong R6, RIO and R14.

Their revival of the chaotic terror caused by the intra-uterine rejection of their existential identity/self-preservation is one of the most tragic symptoms-phenomena of human pain I have witnessed in all my professional career. Both the terror and the emotional and physical pain they experienced during their Sessions are very difficult to describe.

During her third Session, R6 has taken the foetal position. Painful muscular spasms rack her body. In a voice full of agony, which is interrupted by uncontrollable sobbing and severe dyspnoea, she says: "I am in a dark, sealed off place. I feel something liquid on my face. Something is choking me. I can't stand it. Poison is being poured into me through some funnel. She wants to kill me. She doesn't want me ... She doesn't want me. I'm hungry. I'm hungry. My mother is hungry."

Note: Foetus R 1 was Periodically Existentialy Unwanted (pp. 59-60)

§ 27 The Unwanted because of their Sex Unwanted because of their Sex are those whose sex their natural mother did not want when she was pregnant with them (R6, R8, R9, R10, and R16). The revival of the intra-uterine rejection of their sex is for some cases as painful as is the revival fo the rejection suffered by the Existentially Un wanted (description by R6 p.105, R10 p.32)

§ 28   The Periodically Unwanted Periodically Unwanted are the foetuses to whom are transmitted the pregnant mother's emotional disturbances which are unrelated to the foetus within her. These disturbances may be caused by friction resulting from in compatibility with the husband, mother-in-law or other persons; the husband's impo

sition of the sexual act (R10 p.43 and R12 § 48); the pregnant woman's hunger, as in the case of R6's mother; distressing thoughts or ideas; and so on. 10 The result is that the foetuses are shaken for the duration of their stimulation by the transmitted emotional disturbances of the mother. The stimulation is periodic and lasts as long as the mother continues to be disturbed.

Examples:

(a) R1, (p.59).

(b) R4 felt the stimuli which shook him during his foetal life as the womb's rejection of his existential identity/self-preservation (despite the fact that his mother had welcomed his presence within her womb) and, because the stimuli occurred periodically, he characterized himself as Periodically Unwanted. The intervals between the periodic rejections were moments of calmness. R4's mother informed me that when she was pregnant with R4, she wanted a boy. She also mentioned that during her pregnancy she had severe conflicts with those around her, which caused her nervous tension and hysterical fits.

§ 29 The Hereditarily Unwanted Hereditarily Unwanted are those who inherit the rejection of an ancestor or ancestors. To this sub-category belongs R10 who, beside reliving the intra-uterine rejection of her own sex, also relived the intra-uterine rejec tions of the sex of her female ancestors. More specifically, she relived the following rejections: The rejection of her mother's sex by her (R10's) grandmother, the rejection of her grandmother's sex by her great-grandmother and so on. In other words, R10 inherited the rejection of the female sex of many generations of her female ancestors by their mothers (pp.43-45). R6 also belongs to the sub-category of the Hereditarily Unwanted.

§ 30 The Welcome During Sessions, R3 and R13 felt their bodies gradually dimin ishing in size and finally assuming the dimensions and posture of the foetus within the womb. A feeling of perfect serenity filled their being. With optic and acoustic sym bols they characterized their subjective state as the revival of their intra-uterine experi ence. (Later, they interpreted the serenity as the womb's acceptance of their existential identity/self-preservation.)

Following this, they re-experienced their expulsion-birth and the chaotic primitive terror caused by the process of their expulsion through the genital canal and their contact with the deadly dangerous chaos of the infinite universe.

Ousted, weak, defenceless and terrified, the foetuses/new-born babies longed to return to the place where they had felt that perfect serenity, to the place which they now felt had also provided them with absolute security.

R 1, R2, R4, R5, R7, R 12, R 15 and R 16 relived certain moments of their foetal life during which they felt Welcome. On the basis of their description and those of R3 and R13, the category of the Welcome was subdivided into the Constantly Welcome and the Periodically Welcome (descriptions by R3 p.62, R4 p.76)

REVIVAL OF THE EXPERIENCE OF EXPULSION-BIRTH

§ 31 Besides R3 and R 13, R 1, R4, R5, R 12 and R 16 also relived their expulsionbirth and the primitive terror which accompanied it. It is interesting to note that all the cases mentioned above felt the process of expulsion-birth as a deliberate rejection of their existential identity/self-preservation by the womb-mother. R10 relived her expulsion-birth which was accompanied by bipolar feelings - on the one hand it was felt as a liberation from the intra-uterine hell, on the other as a continuation of the rejection.

WOMB REJECTION-REJECTING WOMB

§ 32 Recapitulation of the experiences of intra-uterine life and expulsion-birth clearly shows that both the Unwanted and the Welcome foetuses were subjected to womb rejection. It is for this reason that all the cases in Table 1 have been classified as Rejected.

The meaning of the term 'rejecting womb' includes the intra-uterine rejection and the rejection of expulsion-birth. The 'memory traces' of the rejecting womb which are retained by the foetal nervous system of an R are intertwined with the'memory traces' of primitive terror.

REMARKS ON THE EXPERIENCES OF THE 16 OF TABLE 1

§ 33 Until 1975, I tended to classify each R in an absolute way. I considered, for example, R12 absolutely Welcome, R4 only Periodically Unwanted, and so on. But just as the principle of the absolute cannot stand in any field of medical science, so in the area under study it does not reveal fully the overall situation.

Detailed re-evaluation of the content of the 16 cases' Sessions led to the following conclusions: most cases belong to more than one category or sub-category and the degree of womb rejection or acceptance varies from one case to another. The theoretical interpretation of these conclusions is the following:

(a) The intra-uterine experience and the experience of expulsion-birth are the result of individual stimuli for the nervous system of each R.

(b) These individual stimuli leave individual 'memory traces' within the nervous system of each R. The degree to which these 'memory traces' are implanted in the nervous system varies from R to R and is possibly due to unknown biochemicophysical factors. The more strongly the 'memory traces' are implanted, the easier it is for them to be reactivated after expulsion-birth and the more intensely the womb rejection or acceptance is relived. More specifically:

(1) During Sessions, R4 relived short periods of intra-uterine acceptance which were interrupted by long periods of intra-uterine rejection, as the intra-uterine rejection left stronger 'memory traces' in his nervous system than did the intra-uterine acceptance. R4 belongs to the sub-categories of the Periodically Unwanted and the Periodically Welcome. R4 also relived the painful experience of his expulsionbirth.

(ii) R5 underwent 20 Sessions and during all except the first he relived the traumatic experience of the threat of death through suffocation at the time of his expulsion-birth (possibly due to pressure on the umbilical cord which obstructed the flow of blood through the cord). R5 realized that the experience of his expulsion-birth traumatized his nervous system severely.

(iii) R6's mother related to me that when she was pregnant with R6 she had repeatedly tried to terminate her pregnancy as she already had eight children and her financial situation was desperate. Finally she accepted the fact that she was pregnant but on condition that the foetus was a boy. She added that the period of her pregnancy was a time of tremendous stress, worry and privation. During her Sessions, R6 relived the intra-uterine rejection of her existence and sex as well as the other emotional disturbances of her pregnant mother very strongly, as the 'memory traces' of these rejections were powerfully preserved within her nervous system. Because of the variety of her intrauterine rejections, R6 is classsified under the sub-categories of the Existentially Unwanted, the Unwanted because of their Sex and the Periodically Unwanted. She also relived hereditary rejection (Hereditarily Unwanted).

(iv) RIO relived very strongly the intra-uterine rejection of her existence and sex as well as the stress of her pregnant mother when her husband imposed sex upon her. RIO is placed in the four subcategories of the Unwanted because she also relived hereditary rejection. RIO also relived the rejection of expulsion-birth.

(v) At the beginning of her pregnancy, R3's mother tried, unsuccessfully, to abort foetus R3. It is interesting to note that while R3 relived intra-uterine acceptance in the Sessions, she did not relive any intra-uterine rejection. This is possibly due to the fact that the rejecting messages-stimuli left light (or no) 'memory traces' in R3's nervous system which were not reactivated by the psychedelic drug. Because R3 did not relive any intra-uterine rejection she is classified under the sub-category of the Constantly Welcome.

7 Rl I described subjective states which, however, she was unable to place chronologically: she was unsure whether what she felt in the Sessions was a revival of her foetal life, her expulsion-birth or the first moments of infancy.

8 Acoustic symbols are sounds and words uttered by R and which constituted acoustic stimuli for the doctor.

9 0ptic symbols are movements of R's head, trunk and limbs, as well as words, phrases and sketches which R put to paper, and which constituted optic stimuli for the doctor.

10 There are also indications that mechanical stimuli which act upon the pregnant woman are transmitted to and felt by the foetus. Mechanical stimuli are, for example, the thrust of a penis against the pregnant womb's cervix during coitus.

11 Nervous tension is used in this book as a term which refers to a specific clinical picture of mental disturbance (§ 119).